Then I Realized It
by ILoveMy.Pengy113
Summary: Bella's best friend confesses his love for her which she does not return. She becomes very depressed and starts bad habits. Her sister's ex-boyfriend guesses her bad habits. Will he tell her parents? Will she be locked in an asylum? Rated "M" just in case
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer! I don't own any of the characters. Please write reviews! This is all human.**

**J.M.J.**

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><p><strong>Then I Realized it<strong>

**Bella's point of view**

Chapter 1

I was so confused and hurt and overwhelmed. I didn't know what to do, I had problems everywhere. Nobody seemed to care, they all teamed up against me or they just pretended I didn't exist. I thought about the people that may care; the few friends that I had. Alice would be a little upset but I had hurt her and she would probably be glad to see me go; one less thing to bother her. My sister Rosalie would be extremely happy. I couldn't think of anybody else that might care except maybe Jacob. He was a boy I had liked for the longest time and our parents accused us of liking each other but we denied it. Finally we found out the we really did like each other so we stopped talking completely. I wrote down a note for him explaining everything, just in case he did care.

I got into the shower, still crying. I had no clue what to do, no clue what would happen, and no clue why this all happened to me. I sat in the shower, letting the hot water beat out the sounds of my untamable sobs and moans. I thought of everything that had happened to me and it all hit me in a rush. I started shaking, shivering, sweating, and getting nauseous. My thoughts went everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I felt this extremely violent emotion overtake my body and cupping my hands, I allowed them to overflow with water. And as I cried "God help me" I inhaled a lung full of water. However, I didn't even choke up a little bit. I tried it again with an even bigger inhale of the water, and still nothing happened. I got out of the now freezing shower, still crying but calm now. I went into the room that I shared with Rosalie; it was very late so I got into my small mattress laid on the floor, and went to sleep.

The next morning I woke up to the sound of Rosalie yelling at me to wake up and get my lazy butt out of bed. As I brushed my teeth in the bathroom, memories of the past night filled my mind. I quickly finished brushing my teeth and went back into my room to get changed and Rosalie was about to go somewhere with Renee.

"Rosalie! Come on!" Renee called from the stairs.

"Coming, just a second!" Rosalie yelled back. She continued to put make up on and then she turned to me with a glare. "You're pathetic, you know? You always hurt everyone. You have no idea how much you hurt Ben. You hurt Alice too. You ditched her and she is your best friend. You're always walking on people to get what you want. You really hurt them!"

I just looked at the edge of her bed as these words soaked in. She went downstairs and I looked out the window as I saw them pull to the edge of the long driveway. I went to my dresser and pulled out the switchblade my dad Phil had just given me. I put it up to my throat and as I was about to slide it across, I heard the door open and footsteps coming up the stairs. I quickly hid the knife and Rosalie barged in the room to grab her forgotten purse.

"You're so dramatic!" I realized I was still in the same position she had seen me when she left; standing in the middle of the room, staring at the edge of her bed. She gave me another glare on her way out and slammed the door behind her. I watched the car pull completely out of the driveway this time. I went to pick up the knife again and as I put it up to my throat I heard Rosalie's voice echo in my head "You're so dramatic." I remembered one of my old friends Jessica used to cut herself. She said she had problems with her family and she had problems with her friends and she had been cheated on by the guy she had known and been in love with since she could remember.

Thoughts of my problems crashed into my head and I started shivering, shaking, sweating, and getting nauseous. All my thoughts went everywhere and I couldn't think of anything. Then the violent wave hit me like a ton of bricks. I quickly moved the blade to my wrist; I pushed the blade down and drug it across my arm, making a perfect straight line. The violent feelings went away and I felt down to earth again. I felt visible again.

I went into the bathroom and let my wrist bleed into the sink. Finally when it dried, I rinsed the blood out of the sink and wiped my arm off. I went to my dresser and took out the only long-sleeved shirt I owned. I went downstairs and the day went on like nothing had happened.

However, I didn't eat anything for breakfast, or lunch, or dinner. I "wasn't hungry." It wasn't like anybody paid any attention to what I did anyways. I avoided Alice, which isn't easy to do given she lives next door and we are both home-schooled. I avoided Ben too, but that was a lot easier because he lived 15 minutes away and went to public school.

My home was a prison. I was trapped in a house with Rosalie, my mom, and my dad. Rosalie is pretty much a slut. She is constantly leading boys on and then telling them she doesn't like them and she has a boyfriend. She is always trying to show off her body and she has every guy's attention because of it. She always talks down to me and tells me how awful I am and how I'm not pretty. Honestly, after hearing it so many times, I find it hard not to believe it. My mom likes Rosalie more because Rosalie asks her for help all the time. She acts like a saint around the family but when she gets away, it's like all the demons let lose. Rosalie boyfriend's name is Emmett. He used to be my best friend and until he used me to get to Rosalie. According to my parents, Rosalie and I are too young to date so we have to go in a group. For months, I was forced to go as their "group" and it sucked. I hated Emmett for using me and I hated Rosalie for making me go on their dates. She used to yell at me for not getting along with him, really I just ignored him completely.

Renee didn't know any of this. She didn't pay attention to anything going on and at this current moment, I am very thankful for that. I think. Whenever there is an argument, she always sides with Rosalie. I'm always the worthless, pathetic, lazy person that doesn't do anything. I'm always wrong, no matter what I say or do.

Phil is never home. He is always working and when he does have some free time, he is with Rosalie and Renee, or mowing the grass. Even if he mowed the grass the day before, he mows it again even though it doesn't cut anything. He doesn't give a damn about anything that goes on with me at all.

Nobody gives a damn about what goes on with me. Why should they? I'm a pathetic nobody that isn't pretty, and I use my friends to get what I want. I don't even deserve to walk the earth. Nobody tries to understand me. Nobody cares about me. Nobody loves me.

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><p><strong>What do you think so far?<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own any of the characters. Please write reviews! This is all human**

**J.M.J.**

* * *

><p><strong>Then I Realized it<strong>

**Bella's point of view**

Chapter 2

The next morning I woke up and did the same thing all over again except after lunch, Rosalie and I had to go to rehearsals at Church. It didn't seem too bad until I was told we had to pick up Ben.

Ben was Rosalie's best friend and he used to be like my big brother. Until we went on a retreat for Church and he told me he liked me. The thing was, I didn't like him back. Apparently, I was a horrible person for not liking him back. He actually got my friends and sister to turn against me and tell me that I was horrible and I should apologize to him and I should date him.

On the way to Church we picked him up and thankfully, Rosalie let me have the front seat so I wouldn't have to sit by him or talk to him. I looked in the side-view mirror to see his very sad-looking face.

"Hey" he practically whispered to Rosalie.

"Hey!" She said happily and hugged him. I didn't get a "hey" and I was glad because I didn't want to talk to him.

"Don't stay too long after because I have some things I want to do when we get home," Renee said as we pulled into the Church parking lot.

"K," I mumbled, getting out of the car. Rosalie and Ben were way ahead of me walking side by side. Rosalie was such a flirt even though she had a boyfriend.

"Hey," I said hugging Tyler.

"Hey!" He was in the Passion Play and they had their rehearsals today too. I was in the Shadow Stations. He and I hung out during the retreat. Everybody thinks we like each other but we don't. He has a girlfriend and I'm just not interested in him like that.

Rosalie and Ben went to look for Mrs. Cope; she was the one that was supposed to be running the rehearsals. She was on the other side of the Church but she was too short to see. After about ten minutes of searching for her, they found her. As she and Rosalie talked, Ben stood by them and kept giving me these pleading looks. Then my sister turned around and glared at me, which made me think they were talking about me. After a few more minutes, Emmett came in and glared at me. I guess Rosalie told him too.

"We're leaving. Are you coming?" Rosalie said glaring at me. "Rehearsals aren't until Wednesday." I said bye to Tyler and walked out the door. It was really dark and gloomy outside because it had been raining all day. Fortunately, it had slowed down to a drizzle so I didn't have to get completely soaked on the way back to the car. We dropped Ben off at his house and the rest of the ride home was silent.

"When is that dance you're going to with Ben?" Renee asked as we pulled into the driveway. Crap! I forgot about that. I was going to go to this military ball with Ben because I had never been to a dance before and he really needed somebody to go with and nobody at school would talk to him because his ex started rumors that he was gay because he refused to have sex with her. I didn't really want to go though, it was just because he had nobody else to go with and I felt bad.

"I don't think I'm gonna go to that mom," I mumbled. Rosalie got out of the car and slammed the door.

"Why not? Who is he supposed to go with then?" She was upset. Of course she wouldn't support me in my decision to not go. Even though she didn't want me to go in the first place and she basically said everything except call me a slut to make her point.

"Nothing happened, I just don't want to go. He'll find somebody else to go with, it'll all be good for him." I was positive he was doing better than me. He was turning my friends and family against me, so at least he had people on his side.

"You better hope so." We got out of the car and I went to my swing back in the woods, my mom went inside. I sat on the swing and it all came rushing to me. The shivering and sweating and nausea and everything came back again. I freaked out. I took out the blade, which I had now started carrying around in my pocket, and cut another line into my arm. I started to calm down as the blood started to spill over the ends of my arm. I didn't have anything to wipe it away because I was in the woods. So I pulled my sleeve back over it and held my arm close to my chest, hoping nobody would stop me and I'd have time to make it upstairs to the bathroom.

I was successful in getting upstairs. Rosalie was in our room talking to Emmett on the phone and I really didn't want to hear it so I decided to take a shower to waste some time.

"I love you more," Rosalie coed, as I walked in the room to grab my towel. She turned and glared at me. "Ugh! Hang on; the bitch is in the room. What the hell do you want?"

"Nothing," I mumbled and walked out the room. I turned on the shower and it started to happen again. I started to freak out all over again. I got in the shower, thinking it would help calm me down. I sat down, curled in the fetal position, and let the water hit me as I watched the blood from my arm rinse off and run down the drain. I thought sitting would make it better, but it didn't, it reminded me of last night. I was overwhelmed and I shut off the shower and grabbed the knife again. I carved another straight line into my arm, and the feelings started to go away, but not really. So I traced the previous lines with the knife, making them bleed again. With the towel wrapped around me, I sat on the edge of the tub for a while. I felt like I was waiting for something but I wasn't sure what it was. I'm not sure if I'm waiting for somebody to save me, or waiting for my life to be over already. Well, I'm not sure if you could even call this life, I pretty much died that night Ben called me. And I don't think I want anybody to find out about me, I just want them to be nice. That's all I want; somebody to be somewhat kind.

"Will you get out of the bathroom? I want to brush my teeth." Rosalie banged on the door. I sighed and grabbed my things and making sure I covered up my arm, I left the bathroom. As I was walking out, she nudged my shoulder like people do after they've been fighting for a while. I went to my room and put on a long-sleeved pajama shirt and some shorts. I brushed my teeth and when I got back from the bathroom, Rosalie was already in bed, headphones in, and lights off. I put my toothbrush away and got in my bed, pulled the covers over my head, and the tears started. All the hurt came pouring out my eyes. The only time I can take off the mask that covers me, is when I'm alone or hidden. The good thing about crying myself to sleep at night, is that I'm a silent crier. Apparently I'm always silent, or maybe just easily forgotten.

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><p><strong>Can't wait for the next chapter! It's gonna be greeeeeeat! :) Review please!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own any of the characters. Please write reviews! This is all human**

**J.M.J.**

* * *

><p><strong>Then I Realized it<strong>

**Bella's point of view**

Chapter 3

Weeks passed by, each day getting a few more marks on my arm. Eventually they were in the shape of a kind of star. Each day they got deeper and deeper and bled more and more. Life was basically dead. My friends didn't talk to me, my family didn't talk to me; I was completely alone. Until one day, something different happened.

I was on Facebook flipping through old pictures when I got a chat notification on the bottom of the screen. From Rosalie's ex-boyfriend or whatever you would call it. They weren't official, they just went out twice and he kissed her and that was that. She really liked him though and said he wasn't trust worthy and he's a horrible guy. I never really knew him at all. I was very curious as I opened the chat from Edward Cullen.

"Hey, I'm really bored. Would you want to play tennis with me?"

"Um, I'm really bad at tennis… I'll ask my mom though. You'd have to pick me up because I can't drive."

"That's fine."

"Ok, I'll go ask. Be right back." I minimized the window and went to find Renee. She was on the back porch in the hammock reading a book.

"Hey, can I go play tennis with Edward Cullen?" I asked in a somewhat happy tone.

"I guess," She said tiredly, "but take Rosalie with you." Now Rosalie didn't hate the guy too much anymore and she wasn't as mad at me anymore either. I went upstairs to our room and found her watching "The Ugly Truth" on her laptop.

"Hey, do you wanna go play tennis with Edward? He said he'll drive and everything," I explained. She sighed and paused her movie.

"What?"

"Do you want to go play tennis with Edward?" I repeated.

"Sure, I'm dying to get out of this house." She complained. "When is he coming?"

"I don't know, I'll go ask him." I went downstairs and back to the computer.

"My mom said yea, but I have to bring Rosalie with me, is that ok?"

"Yea, that's fine. I'll be there in 10 minutes."

"Mk, bye"

"Bye." I signed off of Facebook and went upstairs to put my tennis shoes on.

"He'll be here in ten minutes," I said to Rosalie, who was already re-applying her make up. I went to the bathroom to fix my hair in a ponytail and then went outside to the shed to find the tennis racquets. After a few minutes of searching, I was successful. I came out of the shed to see his shiny silver Volvo in the driveway.

"Edward is here," I told Renee as I walked up the back porch. "Rosalie! Edward is here!" I yelled as I walked through the house and out the front door.

"Hey Edward," I said as I got in the backseat of his car. I shut the door and was overcome with the amazing smell of Edward. It smelled so wonderful and relaxing.

"Hello Bella," his voice was like velvet. He flashed me a crooked smile. Then Rosalie got in the front seat of the car and we were off. I would be happy to say that Rosalie did not flirt with him the entire time, but then I would be lying. Edward flirted back but only jokingly, and it was clear that it was a joke. I was trying to concentrate on the radio because all the flirting was getting annoying. A song called "Sierra Leone" by _Mount Eden Dubstep_, was playing. The bass was turned up so high that it would wiggle me in the backseat. I don't really know why, but I found it funny and couldn't help but smile. Edward saw in his rearview mirror and winked at me. I just rolled my eyes, but I couldn't help but get butterflies. Then Rosalie pulled the attention back to her and there were moments when I swear I gagged at how sickly sweet she was.

Finally, we arrived at our destination. We got out of the car and went up to the empty tennis courts.

"You and Bella can be on a team," Edward said smugly.

"Oh, whatever! I don't need her! I can take you all by myself." I rolled my eyes. Rosalie liked to act tough. Really, she was just a pain in the ass.

"You can start out with the ball too." He threw the ball towards me and I missed it. I chased after the bouncing tennis ball, blushing, while Rosalie laughed and made fun of me. I got the ball and stood at the end of the court. I dropped the ball and let it hit the ground once and then I hit it hard. Unfortunately, it hit outside the court on Edward's side, giving him a point.

"Ugh! You're pathetic," Rosalie was upset. Edward threw the ball back to me to re-serve it but this time I caught it and gave it to Rosalie. Rosalie hit it and it almost went out of the court but Edward hit it before it did. It came towards Rosalie and she hit it and it went too low and hit the net in the middle. Edward sighed a little bit at this.

"Oh, shut up! It was one mistake," she made excuses and grabbed the ball and gave it to him. He just nodded, not agreeing with her at all. He served the ball and it was coming right towards me and I was ready to hit it but I swung too early and missed it. This gave him another point.

"Oh my gosh! How did you miss that? You're so horrible!" Rosalie complained. I just sighed and threw her the ball.

This is pretty much how the entire game went. We sucked and it was apparently all my fault and Edward just stood there, waiting for a challenge or at least something entertaining. After about thirty minutes, we gave up and sat on a bench. Rosalie began flirting with Edward again. She stole his keys and was going through the key-chains when she stopped at the controller for his car. She set the alarm off, so he grabbed the keys from her to quickly shut it off and then he handed his keys to me.

"Keep these safe," he said like it was the most important thing in the world. I flipped through his key-chains and stopped at the "golds gym" one. "That's me on the logo," he bragged. Really, he was just pretending to be full of himself which was his type of jokingly flirting.

"Riiiight," I rolled my eyes.

"Ok, well we have to get home," Rosalie announced.

"Me too," Edward said getting up and starting to walk towards the car. We got in the car and the ride home was quiet, except for the music in the background.

"Bye Edward, see you again soon," Rosalie flirted.

"Bye," he hugged her before she got out of the car.

"Bye," I mumbled and got out, shutting the door halfway through his "goodbye". I went in the house and jumped in the shower. It was really hot outside and though I didn't move around very much, I was hot and sweaty. I washed my hair with my favorite strawberry shampoo and used my favorite strawberry smoothie body soap. Taking showers was easier now that it had been a while since I tried to drowned myself. Though, whenever I closed my eyes I could see me cutting myself. It scared me, so I washed my face quickly and didn't shut my eyes for anything else.

I got out of the shower and dried off, I hid my arm in my towel as I walked to my room to get dressed. Rosalie was there, listening to music and talking to Emmett on the phone. I quickly got dressed and went downstairs to the computer. I got on facebook and right as I signed in, I got a chat notification from Edward.

"Hey, thanks for playing tennis, I was really bored."

"Sorry, I'm not that good at tennis. It was fun though."

"Yea, it was I guess. Maybe next time we'll play baseball or wiffleball." I grew hopeful at these words and that wasn't good. If you are hopeful there is always the chance of getting hurt. If you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed.

"I've never played either of those and I doubt I'll be good at those either."

"Well maybe I can teach you."

"Ok." I got butterflies in my stomach and I was a little hopeful. I told myself not to expect anything and it took a few minutes to convince myself that it wasn't going to happen.

"Want to play a game?"

"What game?"

"The question game?"

"Sure, you first." I was a little worried what he might ask.

"What's your favorite color?"

"Grey."

"That is not a color. Pick something else." He complained.

"It is too. My second favorite color is Midnight blue though. What is your favorite food?"

"Chicken Penni with alfredo sauce." That was my favorite dish to make. "What is your favorite tv show?"

"I don't watch tv. Do you play an instrument?"

"Piano."

"I think I'm in love!" I said and then regretted it. It was weird especially because I didn't love anybody.

"Why? Lol" I imagined what his laugh would sound like.

"I love the piano. I Could never play it though, I tried."

"Ok. What is your favorite type of music?"

"I don't really know, I like a lot of music." I wasn't about to tell him that I like emo music. Not really "screamo" music, just the depressing, slow music. It matched my usual emotion. The night went on like this til about 2:00am. I went to my bedroom and put my pajamas on in the dark because Rosalie was already in bed. I brushed my teeth quickly. Then climbed into bed and thought about everything. Today wasn't as bad as usual. It was actually really nice to talk to Edward. I was actually kind of happy. I went to bed that night without crying one tear. It was the first night I had gone to sleep without crying since I tried to kill myself. And I was actually somewhat happy, I think. I still woke up a few times throughout the night though.

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><p><strong>How is it? I know there wasn't anything too fabulous about this chapter. I just had to bring Edward in because it was getting depressing. <strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**I don't own any of the characters. Please write reviews! This is all human**

**J.M.J.**

* * *

><p><strong>Then I Realized it<strong>

**Bella's point of view**

Chapter 4

"Bella! Wake up!" Rosalie screamed at me and threw a pillow at me. "It's eleven in the morning!" I got out of bed and thoughts of yesterday came to me. Edward and I learned a lot about each other through that game. He seemed to kinda like me a little bit, only as a friend though. That's all I needed right now though and I didn't really like him as more than a friend anyways. I just wanted a friend.

I got out of bed and went into the kitchen to make people think that I was eating. As long as you go in the kitchen and look in the cabinets and in the fridge, everybody thinks you're eating. I stayed there for about five minutes, just staring inside the fridge. I thought of Edward and how nice he was to me. Didn't he know about me? About how I hurt people to get what I wanted? and about how I'm a terrible friend? I figured he wouldn't be around long. Yesterday may have been a one time thing, just a memory to be stored into the past.

I sighed and went to the computer room to get my school books. School wasn't really hard for me. The only hard part was teaching it to myself. Renee just said "Here are the books, go do it" and that was that. I spent about three hours doing school and then I grabbed my mp3 player and went out on my swing set.

I loved swinging because nobody bothered me while I was on it. It was like I was completely invisible. Which at times was a good thing because then I couldn't be blamed for all the troubles of the whole world. I felt free. I could sit there and swing lightly through the air, like flying, for hours. So I did.

Finally, I went inside and walked into the kitchen for a little while to make it seem like I ate dinner. My family never eats dinner together, not even on holidays. Then again, I don't think anybody's family does that anymore.

I walked out of the kitchen and did school for another hour and then I got on facebook to see if Edward was on. The page loaded and a few seconds later, I got a chat notification from Edward. I almost smiled. So I guess it wasn't a one time thing?

"Hey, how are you?" I liked that he actually asked how I was and seemed to care. However, he couldn't fool me.

"I'm well. What's up?"

"Nothing, just facebook."

"I'm bored…" More of sad and depressed, but I wasn't about to say that. I would never let him actually find me out.

"Wanna play the question game again?"

"Sure, I guess. You first though." He wanted to know more about me? Or perhaps it was just conversation to keep him entertained. I didn't care because I got to talk to somebody. Even if they didn't care about me or anything, just talking to me and letting me know that I do still exist and I'm not invisible, is enough for me. Acknowledging my feelings never seems to happen even by those who "care about" and "love" me.

"What is your favorite sport?"

"I don't really like sports all that much. I _really_ love running though."

"Why would you like running? It's so boring and tiring. You just walk at a faster pace in circles." For a lot of people that is true but for me running is everything and nothing. Its simple. When I run, I don't think. I'm completely free of all emotional weights. Like the swing set, it is another one of my escapes but for different reasons. The swing frees me of all physical irritation with the family and allows me to think. Running frees me of all mental or emotional irritation with everyone.

"Ummm, it's kinda a long story?" I didn't really want to explain but I didn't really want to lie either. He could be a real friend one day when I'm over all of this crap; if that ever happens.

"I've got time if you want to explain." I sighed.

"When I run, I don't think. I'm just… weightless and free."

"So you don't like to think? And why weightless and free?" I sighed. I didn't want to explain this much to him.

"I believe it is my turn to do the questioning lol" I never really laughed, I just put "lol" to lighten the mood.

"Ok, ask away."

"Does your family eat dinner together as a family?" I remembered earlier in the kitchen I had thought about it.

"Yes, everyday."

"Really?"

"Yea, doesn't yours?"

"No, we don't… its too hard to get all of us together. My dad is always working and Rosalie is always out with friends or at soccer or something and my mom doesn't like to cook. It's kind of an "make it yourself, or don't eat" kind of thing. We don't even eat together on holidays. We just put the food on the table and everybody gets what they want and goes wherever they want to eat it."

"Wow… that's stupid." I half-smiled, he said everything as it was. Simple.

"Ehh, I don't really care. Anyways, it's your turn to ask a question."

"What is your favorite flower?"

"I love calla lilies, they're definitely my favorite."

"I don't know what that is, hang on just a second. I'm gonna google a picture."

"K," It only took him a few seconds to find it and come back.

"That isn't very pretty. Why do you like it?" I rolled my eyes.

"Because it's very simple, it doesn't have to be all dressed up with petals like a rose to be beautiful. I pick simple over dressed up any day." To be honest, it kinda made me think of me and Rosalie. I am always very simple and Rose is always dressed up in these fancy clothes and decked out with makeup. Nobody really thought I was pretty either. In fact, my ex "boyfriend," Jacob, told me when we were "dating" that I would be prettier if I looked more like my sister. I put these things in quotation marks because he asked me to be his girlfriend when I told him I liked him and then we went on one date and it was horrible because it was a double-date with Rosalie and Emmett. Also, I would pick simple over dressed up any day. I'm not a slob, I just think that less is more. I'm as less as it gets so I could always use some "more". The only thing that didn't fit was that it could be beautiful just by being simple, I was never beautiful; maybe pretty occasionally, but never beautiful.

"Well, when you think of it like that, yes, it is very beautiful. Why do you like simple things?"

"I don't like complexity. I don't like Rosalie and all of her drama." I typed without thinking.

"lol! We definitely have that in common. I hate how everybody is always so dramatic and just makes things complex when they're so simple, so easy. It drives me insane." I was one to say I hate drama. My whole life is drama. I cut myself when I get upset and I starve myself to help the process of my death along.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to say that, it just kinda came out." He was really easy to talk to, it was slightly shocking that I slipped up like that.

"It's ok, I don't mind. You can vent to me if you'd like."

"Nah, I don't wanna be a bother." The last thing I wanted to do was scare away the one person that talked to me and wasn't yelling. He was the first person that even pretended to care. Everyone else just said "You're so selfish! I care about you!" When really, they don't give a damn about me; they just needed somebody to blame the bad feeling on. He was the only one that actually pretended that I had feelings.

"You wouldn't be a bother; everybody needs someone to talk to." I took a deep breath and half-smiled.

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><p><strong>Is it good? Do you like it? Review please? I need feedback so I can make changes if necessary.<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**I don't own any of the characters. Please write reviews! This is all human**

**J.M.J.**

* * *

><p><strong>Then I Realized it<strong>

**Bella's point of view**

Chapter 5

The next days went on the same way, each day the questions and answers became more deep and personal. I still didn't tell Edward about me; he never asked during the game. If he asked I would tell him. Well at least, I think I would. It would be really hard to tell him because after he knew, he would be gone; just like that. He would leave. I mean, I didn't expect him to really stay even if he didn't know. He would realize I am boring and plain and would leave, just like everybody else. And if he knew, he would take Ben's side and just leave me to be alone on my own.

I couldn't tell him. I liked talking to him too much. He pretends I exist and I just can't give that up yet. I liked being noticed, even if it was only on Facebook and even though I was just being used to make time fly for him. He seemed really interested in me but I'm not a complete idiot. I _am _a sophomore taking all senior classes. Though that decision wasn't exactly made by me, I still have a 4.0. That doesn't really matter though I guess. You don't have to be smart in school to know when a person is faking it or not. And I knew he was faking it.

I didn't really talk to any of my family anymore. I had my headphones in all day and I was in my room. I was either doing school, running, playing soccer, or talking to Edward on Facebook. I avoided all conversation with anyone. I was tired of hearing people's voices. I was tired of people lying to me. I was tired of people betraying me.

I did all my school work for the day in a few hours, which never seemed to be enough to satisfy Renee even though she was the one who decided how much school I had to do everyday. I only ate a piece of toast and four crackers throughout the entire day. Due to the fact that my stomach was shrinking because I almost never ate anything, the toast and crackers filled me up completely.

Today I wasn't in the best of moods. I was more depressed than usual for no specific reason. I was just tired of everything. I didn't want anything else to happen because it was all just enough. That was all I could take. I still freaked out when I got in the shower and I tried my hardest to never close my eyes because whenever I did, I would see me stabbing myself over and over again. I still cried myself to sleep every night. Talking to Edward was what kept me waking up in the morning. Though it wasn't enough keep me from continuing to cut myself when I freaked out, and it wasn't enough to keep me from starving myself everyday. It wasn't enough to make me stop crying myself to sleep. It wasn't enough to make me stop cutting myself whenever I felt completely alone and just couldn't take anymore; when I felt completely defeated. However, it did keep me from attempting suicide for a fourth time.

I prayed every day and every night that things would get better, but each day that passed nothing ever really changed. I still sat in my room just staring at the wall for hours or until I felt like even the walls were more noticeable than me. At which point, I would grab my blade and carve the scars again.

I got on facebook and I wasn't surprised to see a chat notification pop up from Edward. I had gotten used to it. We started talking whenever and ended around three in the morning usually.

"Hey!"

"Hi, what's up?" I asked this question every time we talked even though he said the same thing every time.

"Nothing. How are you today?" I was surprised at this question. He hadn't ever really asked how I was doing. I wasn't exactly going to tell the truth. I would have to explain if I answered truthfully. I didn't want to tell a complete lie though.

"I'm ok I guess. How are you?"

"I'm good. What's wrong?"

"Nothing." This part was instinct. "Just tired."

"Ok… Question game?" Over the times that we had talked I asked him to be honest when he answered the questions and he asked me to do the same. So, we were always honest during the question game and I tried to be honest even when we weren't playing the question game. However, that wasn't always an easy task because he would ask me questions like "how are you?" and "what's wrong?" and I could never be honest and answer unless it was the question game.

"Have you ever felt empty?"

"I don't really know what you mean." I didn't realize what I had asked, I had to re-read it a few times because I was too shocked.

"Nothing, never mind. Your turn," I tried to switch the attention away but that didn't really work very well.

"No, I want to know what you mean." I am such an idiot sometimes. I started slipping up more and more every time we talked. It was just so easy to talk to Edward that I didn't think much while I was talking to him.

"No, it's your turn to ask the question."

"Ok, fine." I sighed. I was really glad he just gave up. I didn't like having to explain things to him all the time. I've let so much slip and explained so much that he could probably guess if he wanted to.

"What do you mean? That is my question." Ok, so he wasn't giving up.

"You know…" I had to take a while to think about it. I wasn't even quite sure what I meant.

"No, I don't really know lol" Over the amount of times I had talked to him I learned that he didn't actually laugh when he put "lol". He did it for the same reason as I did, to lighten the mood.

"It's like you feel you're completely alone in the world and you're just dead. I mean, you're alive and all but you're so alone that you feel dead. You're not just dead to everyone around you, you're dead to yourself… am I making any sense?" I felt insane trying to explain it to him. He was always a happy person. He didn't smile often and he almost never laughed, but he was always happy.

"Yea, it makes sense. And to answer your question, no, I can't say I've felt that before. Have you?" Of course he would ask that.

"It is my turn to ask the question!" I stuck my tongue out like he was actually there instead of the computer screen.

"Have you ever thought about cutting yourself?" I could ask that and not seem "emo" because he would always joke and say I was emo.

"No! I would never be that stupid!" That actually hurt a lot. I knew it was stupid to cut myself, but it still hurt to hear that from him.

"Why do you ask questions like that?"

"Because I'm just curious," I couldn't think of anything else to say that wouldn't get me into trouble. That was pretty much the reason to all of my questions, I was curious.

"How long have you gone without food before?" This one seemed like a safe question. It was just about food.

"A few hours and it was for lent. What's the longest you've gone without food before?" Not safe anymore.

"Two and a half days. I just wasn't hungry, so I just didn't eat."

"That's not healthy, you need to eat more. Your stomach can shrink and it'll make it a lot harder for you to eat food. Sometimes food will be too hard on your stomach and it'll make you throw up and you'll have to eat soup and oatmeal because those aren't as hard on your stomach."

"I know, I just wasn't hungry. I'm fine."

"Box cutter or switch blade?" I don't really know why I asked this question, it was getting a little off the deep end. He wouldn't know what I was talking about though.

"Box cutter I guess? Why do you talk about stuff like that? I don't understand. It's got to be more than curiosity because you talk about it all the time. I don't understand. I mean, are you…? Sigh. Nevermind."

"I am curious. If you don't understand, then ask me. We're playing the game and it's your turn so just ask." I'm not really sure what edged me to do it. Maybe I was just tired of playing the damn game. Or maybe it was just that today just wasn't my day.

"No, it's your turn. I just asked you why you talk about stuff like that. That was the answer I guess." This response made me kinda mad. However, there was still something I needed to ask before I told him.

"What if I was "emo"? What would you do?"

"I don't know what I'd do. Are you?" For some reason, it was really, really hard to type these next few words. I was giving up the one person that actually talked to me. I was risking the chance of ending up in an asylum for who knows how long. I was risking the chance of having to go through tons of dollars worth of therapy. But for some reason, there was a small flicker of hope in me and as hard as I tried, I couldn't distinguish it.

"Yes, I am."

"What? Are you kidding me?"

"No, I'm not. Please don't tell anybody. I could get in big, big trouble for it. I don't want to be locked in an asylum and I don't want to go through therapy. They have enough to worry about without adding this to it."

"I'm going to tell your parents. That is ridiculous! Does Rosalie know?"

"No! Please don't tell my parents! I would be screwed _forever_! No, nobody knows except for you. Please just calm down." It took him a while and I was actually really worried he was going to tell on me. It seemed kind of childish, but this was really important to me and I didn't want anybody to know about it at all. I was so stupid for telling him to ask me. I wish he would have just gone away and pretended I didn't exist like everybody else. He didn't say anything for about ten minutes which got me worried.

"Edward? Are you there?"

"Yea… I thought you were just asking that stuff to be weird. I was just joking around when I asked. You freak! You're so stupid! Why would you do that?" He couldn't say "cut yourself" I guess. Maybe he had friends that went through it or maybe he was just that disgusted by it. Being called a "freak" cut me worse than the knife though and I'm not really sure why. I mean, again, I knew it was stupid, but coming from him made it worse and the name hurt really bad. However, he's right. I am a freak.

"I know I'm stupid. I don't really want to explain right now and I think you're in a little bit too much shock to take it in right now."

"I want an answer in the future though." Of course he did, and I wasn't going to want to explain it then either, but I would have to.

"So….. what are you going to do? Are you going to leave? Because that's fine, I understand."

"Why would I just leave you here by yourself? Apparently everybody has been doing that to you and obviously it isn't helping you much. I mean, you said you feel dead even to yourself." I was confused. What was he going to do? He wasn't going to tell my parents and he wasn't gonna leave me.

"I promise I won't tell anybody at all…." That was actually quite comforting.

"Thank you Edward." I didn't need anybody else calling me a freak or anything else. My family was the last people I would ever want to know about something like this. I didn't even think they deserved to know, seeing as they didn't know me at all. I mean, Edward got to know me so well that he pretty much guessed. It only took him two weeks to get to know me better than anybody in the whole world. As scary as it was, I trusted him. Even with my life.

"I'm going to help you, Bella."

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><p><strong>This story is basically my journal. This is exactly what last year was for me. I wanted to make it into a book but I wanted to make sure people would read it and like it, so I put it in the "Twilight" category on this website because I knew that somebody out there would read it. I really hope you enjoy it. None of this story is made up, its all my life but using "Twilight" characters. If anybody reading this has problems like this, feel free to send me a private message, I'd be happy to talk to you. <strong>

**Please review? :) Thanks for reading you guys. **


	6. Chapter 6

**I don't own any of the characters. Please write reviews! This is all human.**

**J.M.J.**

**Just so you guys know, this is based on a true story. All of this stuff in the story has happened to me. This is pretty much my journal but I changed the names to Twilight characters. I really doubt anybody would just read a random story like this just because, especially if they didn't know anything about it. Soooo yea, I made it Twilight. Tell me what you think please? **

**Then I Realized it**

**Bella's point of view**

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><p>Chapter 6<p>

I woke up the next morning head pounding, exhausted, and barely able to remember the previous night. I saw an empty plastic cup beside my bed. I sniffed the little drops of liquid left in the bottom of the cup; alcohol. I lifted my sleeve; another cut and all the rest were deepened. I sighed and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I was glad to find that I had cleaned all of the evidence of my cutting even when I was drunk.

I went downstairs and didn't even bother pretending to eat. My head was pounding like crazy and I was dizzy from getting up so fast. I took two advil and grabbed my school books. I attempted school for a few hours but couldn't really concentrate and it was really pissing me off that Edward would not get out of my head. I didn't want to talk to him because I knew he would tell somebody something even though he said he wouldn't. I didn't trust him because I didn't know him and he doesn't have any reason to keep my secret. I didn't trust anyone because everybody seemed to betray me. I couldn't be left again. I couldn't take it.

I walked to the swingset in the backyard. It was my favorite place to be. It didn't look very beautiful; there weren't flowers and there wasn't any grass. It was just a metal swingset that was set in rock-hard dirt surrounded by trees. In the afternoon when the sun started to go down, the light would break through the trees and the sky would turn a thousand shades of orange, red, and purple. It was always so beautiful to me, but nobody else gave it a chance.

I sat in the swing just swinging back and forth lightly, not even enough to move my feet off the ground. My thoughts were completely blank. I couldn't think even if I wanted to, not that I cared to even try. I stared at the sky, watching the colors of the clouds change as it dropped further and further down. I also got colder and colder, but I didn't care enough to move. I wouldn't mind being frozen in place, because even if I stayed on that swing forever, nobody would come check on me. I wasn't worth the walk across the yard.

I stared at the sky even after the sun was gone, I looked at the stars. I loved the smallest stars that you could barely see the most because they kind of reminded me of me. The bigger, brighter stars got more attention and got more compliments. While the smaller stars were hardly looked at, most of the time not even noticed. I also felt like a smaller star because, I have no reason to be complimented. I'm not as beautiful and bright as everyone else. The only thing that the small stars had that I didn't was somebody's care and attention; they had my care and attention. I would never have anybody's care or attention; I'm just a speckle in the sky.

I went back inside and choked down three shots of vodka in the kitchen, my dad still wasn't home yet and my mom was watching tv so there wasn't anybody to get mad at me. Though they didn't care if I drank alcohol or not. I stumbled up the stairs with a water-bottle full of wine. I sat in the bathroom and chugged the entire bottle of wine within three minutes. I washed the bottle out in the sink to get rid of the smell, brushed my teeth and went into my room. Rosalie was in the tv room with mom and would just turn the light on when she came in. I flipped the switch, pulled my pants off, and fell into bed. Within seconds, I was greeted by a deep, deep sleep.

I woke up the next morning and it felt like somebody had put nails in my temples in my sleep. My head was killing me and of course that was from all the alcohol and lack of food. I sat in bed for a while just thinking about how I wished life was good. Then I got my laptop and checked my e-mail. I had a few facebook notifications. A few messages were people commenting on my pictures and there was one message from Edward Cullen. I deleted all of the notifications without looking at any of them.

I went downstairs and ate a small handful of almonds and two advil and I washed it all down with a cup of water. Next I grabbed my books for school and forced myself to concentrate, no matter how much pain I was in. It didn't matter because I had to get through school. I had to get out of this house and I had to be able to provide for my kids, if I ever decided to have any. I would never want anybody to have to grow up like I've had to grow up. School was the only important thing to me at this point.

I worked on school all morning long and skipped lunch. I read a book called "the outsiders". I really enjoyed the book. It was one of my favorite books and I'd already read it twice. After, I read the book, I got ready for soccer practice.

I wasn't the best at soccer because I didn't like to keep the ball for very long and I wasn't the most aggressive person either. However, I was the best runner. My mom dropped me off at the fields and like always, I was a half an hour early. I ran around the entire complex three times. One time around the entire complex was a mile. After I finished running, I put my mp3 player in my bag and started stretching with the girls that had just arrived. Slowly, the entire team got there. We started practice and the first fifteen minutes were sprints which I really pushed myself on. Everybody else ran through the drills instead of sprinting. After all the sprints, we did a few shooting drills and then the coach split us up and we had a small scrimmage. While I waited for my mom to pick me up after practice I ran a few laps around the field. After about four laps I just sat in the grass by my bag and waited. All of the other girls were already gone. It was just me and the coach sitting there. He always waited until everybody was gone because our soccer complex wasn't the best of places to hang out at night.

"I saw you running earlier," he commented.

"Yea," I nodded my head, staring at the ground.

"How much did you run today?" He sounded bored, but not upset. He was a really nice guy.

"Just three miles," I mumbled.

"Just?" he chuckled. "Then you did sprints for fifteen minutes which was about 2 and a half miles and then you just ran another mile after practice."

"Yea, I guess," I wasn't really tired or anything; wasn't even out of breath. I was just blank, like it didn't affect me.

"Do you run a lot?" he asked. I thought about that for a quick moment in my head. Did he mean do I run from my problems a lot? Or did he mean literally do I run a lot?

"Not really, just three or four times a week." I mumbled, still looking at the dirt. "I run on Mondays and before practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays and then I run on Fridays if I can. Oh, and we have games on Saturdays and sometimes Sundays too, but I don't really count games or practice as running."

"Wow." He sounded so surprised I looked up to see him staring at me in awe. "That's good. Practice and games should count as running. You run all through practice and because you play midfield, you're constantly sprinting at games."

"I guess," I mumbled and looked back at the ground. "I love to run."

"Why?" he asked in disgust.

"I don't know… I just do," I lied. Just then my mom pulled up in her car.

"I'll see you Thursday Bella," he waved and started walking to his car.

"Sure," I mumbled and got in the car. I rolled down the window, and we didn't talk at all. I got home and took off my stuff and took a shower. I sat down in the bath and let the hot water run down my back. I got out of the shower after scrubbing my body and washing my hair. I pulled on a shirt and some shorts. Then I checked my e-mail again. Another message telling me that Edward sent me another message on facebook. I deleted the notification without reading his message. I was so worried he would tell. I didn't want Edward's help. He couldn't possibly help me because he didn't know me at all. He didn't even know what happened or why I do it. He would tell and I would be locked in an asylum and honestly, that would kill me. I might be alive, but I would be emotionally killed. If I'm not already emotionally killed.

I went downstairs, Renee and Phil were already in bed, Rosalie was probably in the downstairs tv room on her laptop or something. I took a couple shots of Captain Morgan and filled my bottle with wine. I stumbled up the stairs and sat in bed. I sat in the dark, chugging the bottle and hating the taste. I hated the taste of alcohol, but I forced myself to drink it because I knew it would lull me to sleep.

I woke up and looked at my clock; it was 4:47am. I didn't even remember putting my bottle of wine down; don't even remember finishing it. I had to pee really bad so I got up and stumbled to the bathroom, I was so dizzy I slammed into the bedroom doorway and ran into the bathroom door while trying to open it. I sat on the toilet and almost slid off. On the way back to my bed I slammed into the bedroom doorway again and stubbed my toe. I cursed and then tripped and fell into bed. It didn't take me very long to fall asleep.

In the morning, I woke up late. I didn't eat breakfast, just went straight on to school. I didn't eat lunch either. I sat on the swings for a while and then came inside to get ready for Church. I helped teach the little kids their religion when some of the teachers didn't come. They never knew when the teachers were gonna come or not so if they didn't come I would just sit in the hallway and wait til Rosalie's bible study was over.

I got in the front seat of the car because we had to pick up Ben on the way. Rosalie and Renee talked on the way but I didn't really hear what they were saying, I just stared out my window lost in my empty thoughts. We pulled into his driveway and he got in the car. Rosalie hugged him quite excitedly. Sometimes I think she forgets she has a boyfriend. They started talking and I couldn't make out what they were saying, I was too busy staring at the multicolored clouds in the sky. The sun was going down; my favorite thing to see.

"Charlie is supposed to be picking you guys up but he might be a little late because he has to close at work tonight," Renee said as I got out of the car. I nodded and she drove off. Rosalie and Ben walked ahead, talking and laughing. I walked on the other side of the walkway so I didn't have to hear anything they said.

"All of the teachers are here today so we don't need you," the secretary said when I walked into the office.

"Oh, ok," I mumbled and walked out. I plopped down in the hallway, everyone was already in the classrooms, and bible-study had already started. I took "The Outsiders" out of my bag and started reading it. I finished reading the entire book and it was almost time for all the classes to be over. I started to stand up but my back hurt from leaning against the wall for so long. Before I could even see that somebody was in the room with me, my hand was grabbed and I was standing up and I looked at the guy who helped me up. He was a short Hispanic guy with long curly hair. He kissed me on the cheek and smiled.

"Thank you," I blushed. Woah, has this guy ever heard of personal boundaries. He looked a lot older than me too; like out of college older than me.

"My name is George," he had a very strong Spanish accent, I could barely tell what he was saying.

"I'm Bella." I started to kind of walk past him but he grabbed my arm.

"Hang on a second," he said and went to get something out of Fr. Jose's office. It was only a few minutes before he came back. "Here is my number." He handed me a piece of paper with his name and number on it.

"Thank you," I smiled. I knew there was no way in hell I'd be calling him but I didn't want to be mean and not take it. "I have to go, bye." The secretary walked through the hall dinging the bell and little kids started to crowd the hall. I went outside and sat on the bench in front of the Mary water fountain. Parents came back and forth, picking up their kids or holding their hand and walking with them. Soon the coming and going stopped; everybody was gone. Charlie wasn't here yet though. I went inside the Church and walked around. I was sitting in front of the Crucifix, waiting for Rosalie and Ben to come and get me when Charlie gets here. I wasn't really sure where they were but I was sure they would come find me when it was time to go.

"Bella, I want to talk to you." I hadn't even heard Ms. Cope come in. I turned around and walked toward her. She wasn't my favorite person to be around. She wasn't that much older than me and she was in charge of Lifeteen(the teen religious education program). "I think you should talk to Ben." Oh no, this was not good. "He really likes you and you should give him a shot. He's always been very nice to you and you need to be nice to him and be with him. He only wants this one thing. He already has so many problems in his life. His father is an alcoholic and his mother cannot drive and he has to take care of his two sisters and get a job in highschool to support his family. You need to just give him this one thing." She was trying to guilt trip me into liking him. Are you kidding me? What the hell? I already knew all that stuff about him which is why I felt so awful for not liking him back but I would just end up hurting him even more if I went along with it. "He told me you've been ignoring him and he also told me that you won't go to the dance with him."

"I don't think it's a good idea, I've got to go. I have to see if my ride is here yet." I walked out the door as fast as I could. I couldn't believe she said that to me. That she tried to convince me to like him. I cannot believe he talks to her about that. What a jerk. Charlie still wasn't here; I went back inside and went to the bathroom. My stomach was churning and I was sweating and shivering. My arm was throbbing and begging me to cut it and release the pressure. I took out the knife I carried with me everywhere now, and cut a long, deep line across my arm. I took a paper towel from the dispenser and secured it around my arm with a rubberband. I pulled my sleeve back down and went to find Rosalie and Ben; they were in the office. I knocked on the glass door and walked all the way to the other side of the Church. I went out the back door and walked all the way around the outside of the Church. There was a car there though. This older, tall guy was standing outside of it smoking. He looked over at me and smiled and I was creeped out. He got in the car and turned it on and I took off running. I ran around the Church and Charlie was sitting in the car waiting. Ben and Rosalie still weren't there yet though.

"Why are you running?" Charlie asked when I got in the car.

"Oh, there was just some guy over there that kinda creeped me out," I said calmly. The creepy guy drove by us, looking at me in the car as he passed. Rosalie finally walked into the parking lot and got in the backseat.

"Ben is getting a ride with Ms. Cope," she said as she got in the car.

"Ok." Charlie started the car and we were off. I rolled down my window and put my arm out, letting George's number fly out of my hand as we drove. When we got home I jumped out of the car and waved to Charlie.

"Thanks for the ride, bye." I went inside and took a few big gulps out of the bottle of Captain Morgan. Then went upstairs, took the rubberband and papertowel off my arm. I rinsed the dried blood off my arm and went to bed. It didn't take very long to fall asleep, a few tears were shed, but it wasn't too bad. The alcohol kicked in pretty fast. I welcomed the darkness that wanted so badly to overtake me.

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><p><strong>So what'd you think? Sorry I haven't written in a while, a lot has gone on with me. School sucks and all so I don't have as much time as I did when I started writing the story. Please review?<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**I don't own any of the characters. Please write reviews! This is all human**

**J.M.J.**

**This story is based on my life... its basically a blog kinda deal I guess? Except in Twilight characters? Anyways, sorry I haven't written in a while. **

**Then I Realized it**

**Bella's point of view**

* * *

><p>Chapter 7<p>

I didn't want to do school the next morning. In fact, I didn't want to do anything the next morning. I looked at the clock, 11:11. I sat up and grabbed my laptop off the ground beside me. I went to facebook to see what Edward wanted.

"Ok, so I've decided I really, really want to help you with this. I can't imagine why anybody would ever want to hurt themselves but I'm willing to learn I guess. I don't want you to hurt yourself. I want you to talk to me whenever you think you might cut yourself and if you do cut yourself, I want to know about it." It was kinda sweet how he said he didn't want me to cut myself, almost as if he cared. Then I clicked the next message.

"Bella? Are you there?" at least he cared to ask if I was. So many people didn't even acknowledge my presence when I was right in front of them. I guess that's because I didn't matter. I clicked the last message from him.

"Bella, are you ok? Why haven't you been messaging me back? I'm worried." At first I thought it was kinda sweet but then I realized that to him I'm just a poor little nutcase in need of therapy and crazy pills.

"Edward, I'm fine. I just needed time. I'll be on tonight if you want to talk to me." Then I signed off and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I read a book for school and I actually understood a little bit of it. Unfortunately, I was exhausted after a very long chapter, so I went back to sleep.

I woke up to the phone ringing. I was too lazy to go all the way downstairs so I just let it ring. After a while somebody finally answered the phone. By the time it had stopped ringing, I was already wide awake with no hopes of falling back asleep. Oh how I wished I could just sleep for the rest of my life. I laid there just wishing. I looked at the clock, 4:37. I sat up and got on facebook to see if Edward responded. As soon as I signed in I got a notification.

"Bella! You're on!" I couldn't tell if he was happy or upset.

"Yea, I said I would be."

"I know, I'm just really happy to hear from you." Why? Did he think I offed myself or something? Or I got caught and got locked up.

"mhmm."

"How are you?"

"I'm fine I guess. How are you?"

"You guess? I'm good." I rolled my eyes.

"Well* You're well."

"lol sorry." I kinda got upset with people for incorrect grammar.

"It's ok."

"So, have you cut yourself since you talked to me last?"

"Yea, about that; I'm not sure if I'm comfortable telling you that." That would be so embarrassing to tell him. He'd probably ask why and I don't think I could explain myself. He wouldn't understand.

"Please? It'd make me feel a lot better if I knew." He was really going at it. He seemed to really care which was really sweet.

"I guess I'll tell you."

"Thank you Bella. So what have you been up to lately?"

"Just wondering I guess." I didn't ever really do much.

"Wondering what?"

"More of wondering why?" I don't understand why a stranger would find something out and not tell.

"Why what?"

"Why you want to help?" I'm a complete stranger to him. Well, I guess not so much anymore.

"Because I care about you." That was it. Those were the four words I'd been waiting to hear for so long. I wasn't really sure if I should trust him on that or not but I guess I have nothing to lose. I'm already as far down as I can go, right?

"Why?"

"I've been thinking about that a lot actually. I know we haven't known each other very long and we don't know much about each other but you know me better than most people and I'm guessing I know you more than most people too. I care about you because you were there when I needed you. Even though it was something as stupid as going to play tennis, you were there. You were a friend to me and now I'm a friend to you. I want to be there for you even though it's something as difficult and disgusting as hurting yourself. I'm going to help you through this." I breathed in and out slowly, almost as if I was inhaling his words to understand them better. He really did care. I knew, then and there that I could trust him with anything, even with my life.

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet." I smiled. He was very determined. "So I have a question for you now."

"Ask away." I'd answer just about any question he had.

"Have you eaten anything today?" If I was at all happy, it faded away right then. I slumped over in my chair because I wasn't going to lie to him and I knew he wasn't going to be happy.

"No."

"Go eat please?" This was not going to be a fun process. I wondered how long it would be til he gave up.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes. Now."

"Fine. I'll be right back." I minimized the screen and went into the kitchen. I looked in the fridge and in the pantry. There was barely any food in the house. The family usually ate out so Renee didn't go to the grocery often and whatever she did get Emmett ate. I grabbed two pieces of bread and popped them in the toaster. I grabbed a slice of cheese and some tuna salad and made a sandwich when the bread finished toasting. I grabbed a glass of water and went upstairs with it and back to my laptop.

"Back." I said my blessing and took a bite of the sandwich.

"Ok. What'd you get?" Is he gonna keep track of what I eat and how many calories and everything?

"I made a tuna sandwich." I took another bite.

"For dinner? That isn't enough."

"Yes for dinner, and I can't eat very much. My stomach is very small." I took another bite and almost felt full and I hadn't even eaten half of the sandwich.

"That's because you never eat anything, but alright. I'm trusting you and believing that you are actually eating and not just saying you are." Did he think I didn't already know that? I liked that he trusted me. It made it easier to trust him.

"I know. I like to keep it small. Then I don't eat as much and I stay skinny."

"Actually, if you starve yourself for too long then your stomach will swell and eventually blow up?"

"Thank you for that lovely image. Now I really want to eat." I put my sandwich down, the smell of the tuna did not help the situation.

"Why are you anorexic? If you don't mind me asking." Ok, there is the hard question. I just hope he doesn't get around to "why do you cut yourself?" tonight. I know eventually I'll have to answer that question though and it won't be easy.

"To be skinny?" I was just pointing out the obvious instead of the real reason, hoping that he might just take it.

"Well yea, but why? Do you think you're fat?" I glanced down at my stomach. I always had little bits of fat on my stomach and my arms and my thighs that I wanted to lose. I always wished I could just get liposuction or something. At first I just started starving myself because I knew I could go without food because I was embarrassed to eat in front of people. I guess you could even say I did it just for fun. After a while though I really did start to think I was fat.

"Bella, you can't seriously think you're fat?" He asked.

"Why not?" I am fat. I have belly rolls when I slouch.

"Because you're so skinny!"

"Not really."

"Don't be ridiculous! You weigh what, 110 lbs? That is not fat for a girl that is 5' 4"."

"103. Weight is just a number."

"Whatever. You're not fat at all. Did you finish eating yet?" I looked at my sandwich and forced myself to take another bite.

"Almost."

"Good." Clearly, I wasn't as happy about it as he was but I don't think that really mattered to him. "Bella?"

"Yes?" I was trying to guess what he was gonna say. Maybe he was going to say that he decided he didn't care anymore. Maybe he was going to say he had to leave?

"I'm really glad you told me… As painful as it is to know, I'm glad you told me. I really want to help you with this." That was not one of my guesses. I was pretty sure I was glad I told him too. Even though I wasn't entirely sure if he could help or not, I knew that I had somebody to talk to, even if they didn't know what to say back to me. At least he was there.

"Mhmm."

"I gotta go eat dinner but I'll be back in 15 minutes, ok? I'll stay online."

"Ok." I minimized my screen and took my almost empty plate downstairs. There were about three little bites left of the sandwich but I couldn't finish it. I raked it off my plate into the trashcan, and put the plate in the dishwasher. Rosalie walked in the room with Emmett close behind.

"Alice called. I don't know why she'd want to talk to you, but she called," Rose practically spit at me.

"Mk," I mumbled and walked back upstairs. I went to brush my teeth and then went back to my computer. I listened to some music on youtube til I saw my facebook window blinking.

"I'm back." I couldn't help but smile a little.

"Mhmm. So you eat dinner with your family still?" I thought back on the days when I was young and we still ate dinner as a family. The food was terrible but we had fun.

"Yea, we eat dinner together every night. Why?"

"Really? That's so cute! My family doesn't eat dinner together often."

"Why don't you eat dinner together? And how often?"

"Too many things to do, nobody is ever together, and my mom hates cooking. We pretty much don't ever eat dinner together… not even on holidays." We are always too busy or too tired to cook. When we do cook, its always something fast and easy so there is no setting a table or anything like that.

"Wow."

"Do you guys like talk and stuff while you eat dinner?" I hadn't had dinner with my family in so long that I didn't even remember how it went really.

"Yea, we talk about stuff and sometimes we eat in the family room while we watch tv, but usually we eat at the table and just talk."

"That is so sweet. I would love to do that."

"lol ok, its not that big of deal but ok. Wanna play the question game?" To him it wasn't a big deal but that's because he had it every night. I was jealous. I really wished my family would do that but with my family, it would be horrible. We would sit down and the food would be terrible and the fighting would start. I wouldn't be able to handle it. Maybe one day I could eat dinner with Edward and his family? I doubted it would ever happen but maybe. That might be weird because I don't know his parents and I hardly even know him right now. Maybe I'd just have dinner with Edward. That wouldn't be too weird.

We played the question game until 3:00 in the morning. It was really nice getting to know him. When I talked to him it felt like I could actually be me and not have to hide anything. I was comfortable. It was nice to know that I could trust somebody.

* * *

><p><strong>Oh my gosh! So I went to see the premiere of Breaking Dawn Part 1. It was pretty good I guess but if I compare it to the books than it was awful! Anyways, there was this woman that sat next to me that smelled like a prostitute and then there were these like five fat girls in the row in front of me eating gummi worms and popcorn and all the smells mixed together and I swear I almost threw up. It was awful. lol Anyways, just wanted to share that with you. Please review my story? It'd be great to know if it sucks or not, so please tell me what you think? Thanks! <strong>


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